“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.” ~Nathaniel Branden
I remember the last time I saw him before my world crumbled. I held up my hand with the ASL sign for “I love you” through the window to him, as he mouthed the words back and got in his car to leave for work. I found out an hour later that he—my fiancé—had begun cheating on me a month before he had proposed.
He never fought for me. Even during the course of our relationship, when he would run away due to his own insecurities, I would perpetually be the one fixing everything. That should have been a sign. But even as I stood before him and confronted him about his infidelities, telling him we could work it out, his pride was too wild. He didn’t fight for me.
I am an impulsive and drastic person when I have been hurt. I have a tendency to pick up and move when things have gotten too emotionally rough, looking for the magic pill to in the new places, faces, and experiences. It works for a while…until it doesn’t.
So I left again. I went from a home-owning, engaged woman in New England to a renting, single, almost middle-aged chick back in my hometown of Los Angeles within three weeks.
Then everyone around me waited for the other shoe to drop; they watched me closely and expected me to lose it in the middle of dinner, or start crying while watching TV. But nothing of the sort happened, and that’s because I was completely dissociated from the environment around me. I had not accepted a thing that had occurred.
A month later, I got COVID. I remember in the midst of purging my guts out, I asked the Universe to either end it for me or make me better. I was at the mercy of the Cosmos, and it was in this that I began accepting where I was
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