My Lgbtqia: recent publications

How My OCD Relates to My LGBTQIA+ Identity

I’ve been meaning to write this piece for a long time. Each time I sat down to type, I would immediately stop. Write about something else. Or nothing else. Nothing at all.

Today is different. Today is the day I write this piece, and hopefully share it with someone who… needs it.

In 2008, at the lovely age of 14, I found myself being plagued and bombarded with intrusive thoughts. Now, it didn’t happen overnight; in fact, I had been dealing with undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) likely all my life. What happened during my eighth grade year was that the content of the thoughts shifted from not just fears and worries about natural disasters and whether my family was safe; the content now included obsessive, intrusive thoughts with either sexual content, or me questioning my sexual orientation on an endless loop.

I was trapped in a nightmare, or so it felt. I think the most nightmarish thing about it was the fact that no one knew… the fact that I felt so ashamed and self-loathing, that I chose to confide in nobody for several more years. I had compulsions that went alongside my obsessive thoughts. I knew they were irrational. This included knocking on wood in certain increments, googling my every question on the internet, repeating the same phrases over and over in my head, and squeezing my eyes shut until the thoughts went away (which rarely ever worked, as compulsions tend to worsen obsessive thinking and intrusive thoughts).

Sometimes I punished my body by fixating on my weight, the number on the scale, something that would eventually develop into anorexia. I struggled with co-morbid body dysmorphia and hated so many things about my appearance, ranging from my eyebrows and hair to my chest and stomach.

Now,

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My Lgbtqia

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